Tuesday Confessions

So, during my blog stalking I noticed a blog post that many bloggers participate in on a weekly basis- this blog post is usually called (day of the week) confessions. So, since I am posting it on a Tuesday it would be called ‘Tuesday Confessions...’ which sounds like a porn title or something….. but don’t you worry, it is not. I feel like most people do it on Friday and they sort of just say things they did that week and put the saying ‘I confess’ before it. But I don’t really follow the rules of what most bloggers do. Lets get to it.

I confess… I am currently watching Elf. This is awful because November 10th. What has even gotten into me? I’ve never been one to obsess over Christmas.

I confess… I actually put the Christmas tree up in our apartment… again… NOVEMBER 11th. treeI confess… It was my moms birthday yesterday and we celebrated that night. She was really, really enjoying her time. There is just something so wonderful to see her truly happy even if its for a moment.

bdYI confess… when I was feeling really down recently… I was sulking, crying and just inconsolable at one point… and during the whole melt down I scrolled past this on Instagram and it couldn’t have been a better sign from my sisters.Screen Shot 2015-11-03 at 8.02.41 PM

I confess… I received a really awesome e-mail the other day and it was just what I needed.

I confess…I have been hanging with Adam as he closes the restaurant, and that is around 2AM every night… so that means every night I have been eating tacos and other food you probably shouldn’t be eating at 2AM.

I confess… My weight and eating have been weighing heavy on me again, I never want to fall back into my eating disorder habits again so I need to nip this in the bud ASAP.

Those are my current confessions. I think this is a fun way to keep people updated on some things going on in this crazy-all over the place- mind of mine, so I will keep these coming.

10 things that have changed me since losing both of my sisters.

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1. I’ve realized the importance of life. I learned how fragile it is and how I must take advantage of every opportunity that crosses my path.
2. I think more about my future then I ever have… “who will I confide in when I am older?” I see my mom and her sisters and how close they are, and I can’t help but think how I will never have that.
3. I appreciate time spent with my mom so much more, and her strength is truly, truly inspiring.
4. It has made me question God and heaven…I try to pray to Lindsey and Ashley… but then I think.. “can they even hear me? or am I just talking to the sky?”
5. I think about my future children… they will never meet their aunts. All they will ever hear are stories… and I know personally that those stories don’t mean nearly as much as they would if you had actually met the person. I want them to love them as I did… but they won’t.
6. I HATE ‘National sibling day’ and I hate social media on the holidays…
7. Speaking of holidays… I don’t get nearly as excited about them.
8. I also have a hard time being around siblings, whether it be friends or cousins, because I see how close they are and I know I will never have that again. And when people tell me “you are a sibling to me” I smile, but I know its not the same as your actual siblings.
9. I realized that being strong is both a blessing and a curse.
10. I have a lot less sympathy for people and situations when they are so trivial.

The new apartment.

UGH! I just wrote this entire post, pictures included….. and something happened, I am not sure exactly what happened, but the whole thing was gone. So lets try this again!

I have been asked a few times to post pictures of my new apartment, so here it is. I moved to the new Ink Block apartments in the South End. We live above the new Whole Foods- there is literally an elevator straight to the doors of WF- safe to say I am going broke.

Anyway, this post is going to have way more pictures than writing (I am sure you are all excited about that…)

When you walk into our apartment you see a rolling bar that has alcohol on it (duh) and some of me and Adams little memories and ‘treasures’

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Then you look straight and see our living area (if you call it that in such a small place)… where Sammy hangs! This is really his apartment and we just live in it.

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There is a floor to ceiling window which I love. At night the skyline area is pretty, and it is right near the harbor so whenever there is a fireworks show- we get a home viewing!

Screen Shot 2015-10-12 at 9.55.06 PMThen to my favorite area (no, not because I cook.. I don’t know how to cook, I just think its purrtttty) the kitchen!

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If you couldn’t tell, I got into the fall spirit a bit.

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Here is our bedroom- it still needs some work… and we have a decent sized walk in closet to the left, but it is so messy I am too embarrassed to show you.. so for now this what you guys get-

Screen Shot 2015-10-12 at 9.57.13 PMWe also have a floor to ceiling window in the bedroom… you can kinda see Sampson’s bed, he likes the view 🙂

Screen Shot 2015-10-12 at 9.56.11 PMAnother one of my favorite features!!!

blog8And though our apartment is pretty small, our bathroom is a really nice size! And lol at the toilet paper…

blog3blog4So that is pretty much it for now, once I clean up the closet, and fix up the bedroom, I will update you. And bare with me on these updates- I am new to wordpress and really don’t get it just yet!

Sisterless.

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My last post was on September 13th… Lindsey died on the 14th. I have been avoiding this post for awhile now- simply because I still think I am in a dream, or rather, a nightmare.

Before I dive into that terrible day, I want to talk about how both of my sisters were born with Cystic Fibrosis. I lost Ashley on June 14th, 2012.

I took two sleeping pills on September 13th.. I was exhausted, but for some reason I could not fall asleep. TWO pills and I was still rolling back and fourth. Adam kept waking up (slightly annoyed) to ask if I was okay. I told him “I can’t sleep… my body is on fire.” He touched my back, “holy sh*t Mack…” he then touched my head to see if I had a fever, “you don’t have a fever, but your body is literally burning.” I can’t even begin to explain this feeling to you, it was like a burning sensation coursing through my veins. It was miserable. I continued to roll around the bed uncomfortably… jealous of Adam as he slept soundly.

My phone began to go off… I assumed it was my alarm, and that I had just stayed up all night and it was now 7AM. I sat up and grabbed my phone… Adam had woke up in the meantime, “uhh why is my mom calling me at 630AM?” I asked him with a look of confusion. I pondered for a second to think if I had done anything to really tick her off…

“Hello?” I heard her whimper through the phone…without hesitation, “the hospital called, Lindsey is un.. unresponsive.” I was confused. Let me preface for a second, Lindsey was in the hospital for a common problem- pneumonia. She has gotten this many times, and aside from that, her health was fine.

As awful as this sounds, I sort of thought my mom was being dramatic. She tended to make the worst out of everything… and she has every reason to, but I am usually the more ‘level headed’ one of the two of us. But regardless, I texted work and told them I wouldn’t be in. I got dressed, gathered my things, woke Adam up, and we headed to Lawrence General… Which is where she went because Mass General gave her the “we think you are fine… so um, just go to your closest hospital.” The truth- they didn’t want to deal with Lindsey…and shame on them.

As I drove to the hospital, I called my moms phones… “hello” came a voice from the other end, “why didn’t you return my text!!” I spewed out… “MacKenzie, this is your Auntie Debbie..”… “Oh sorry, I am on my way, how is everything going?”  There was then a moment of silence, followed with a, “you just need to get in here.” Right then, I knew something was serious- my Auntie Debbie wouldn’t have said something like that had it not been something really bad.

The drive to the hospital was excruciating.Was this happening all over again? It just didn’t seem real.

I got the floor that Lindsey was on, as I walked down the hallway I saw my uncle standing outside of a waiting room area… he looked at me, and then walked back into the waiting room. I could feel that the vibe was off… something was wrong. As I got closer, my Auntie Debbie walked out with a look of sympathy on her face, she shook her head, “I am sorry….” Everything just stopped in that moment. “No…” I screamed with tears dripping off my chin. “This is not happening again!” I turned around and walked away.

I asked the doctors, the nurses, anyone that walked by, what the hell happened… every response I got was, “honestly, we don’t know… she was fine last night, cleaning her hospital room, watching TV… she just didn’t wake up.”

There are no answers as to why she died, or what happened. At the end of the day, will answers make it better? Will it change the fact that by 25 years old I have buried two of my sisters?

I will remain strong, I really, really will. I just need sometime to decompress.

Things on the web.

So, if I am not working, sleeping or eating…. I am scrolling through the internet finding new blogs, Instagram’s, or stalking a friends brothers wife’s sister’s Facebook. 

Here are some of my current favorite videos/articles/blogs on the web:

When I am hungry, I like to torture myself by going to NYCDINING’S Instagram. DROOL. DYING. AMAZING. How does she stay so skinny? Damn girl. 


“According to The White House, full-time working women earn just 77 cents for every dollar a man earns. That’s some shameful sh*t,” the bar’s owner wrote on their website. “So The Way Station is going to do something about it.” A pretty awesome read- Discounted drinks for females! 

When I am at work I obsess over my own dogs Instagram, can you believe he is smart enough to use Instagram all on his own? @SampsonTheShepherd

I buy excessive amounts of clothes from this INSANELY cheap online clothing store in China- takes awhile for the clothes to come in, but its worth it when you get like 10 outfits for 100 dollars- AMAZING DEALS!

Hilarious videos get me through the day….
YES.
My heart melted.
Nearly choked.
YAAAAAAAAS.

Watching the video of the FSU Quarterback punching that girl made me absolutely sick- Your career is over.

I do need this Pizza Dip in my life… like ASAP. Drooling.

The Daily Horoscope App is accurate as hellllll- Freaky.

Have something funny/interesting/horrifying/weird for me to watch or read… let me know!! 

Meet Adam!

       So lets talk about Adam. Hi Adam
Some of you may be curious as to how I met this guy that is always in my pictures, or who I am always mentioning- its sort of a funny story. When I finally moved all of my things into my apartment on state street in Boston, my mother and I went out to eat at a restaurant right down the street that was fairly new. Our waiter was incredibly friendly! I told him how I was moving right up the street and he asked me if I was looking for a job because they were on the lookout for a new hostess. My mom of course was like “YOU SHOULD DO IT.” I said “why not” and took the application. I needed my resume, which I did not have so I had to wait to fill it out and drop it off. 
       The first month of me living on state street, my roommate was out of the country- so I was actually interested in getting this job. 
I went back in a few days later and dropped the resume off, and also sat down for a bite to eat. The GM came over to introduce himself, and told me to come in on Wednesday for an interview. I agreed, and that was that. 
       Wednesday came along, I got ready for the interview- and headed over to the restaurant. I asked for Adam upon arrival, two girls looked around awkwardly and told me to ‘hold on.’ So I did. Then they came back to inform me that Adam had an “emergency” and was out, that he would give me a call soon to reschedule. 
Okay… I thought it was unprofessional, but whatever shit happens (I know that all too well). 
A few days later I got a missed call from a number I didn’t know, I ignored it like I usually do… and just listen to the voicemail if they leave one. This person did… It was Adam. He apologized for missing the interview and asked me to call him back, so I did… “I am so sorry, please come in tomorrow I promise I won’t miss this interview unless I am struck by lightning…” (I am sure he said this differently I just know being struck by lightning was used). He seemed incredibly apologetic so I of course agreed. 
         The next day I got ready and headed over for the interview…. “Hi I am here to meet Adam for an interview…” this girl looked at me, “Okay he is not here yet, so you know what, here is the forms you have the job.” I filled out the paperwork and she told me to come in on Tuesday. I wasn’t too fond of Adam at this point. 
I started on that Tuesday- no one was there to train me. The start of this job was sort of disastrous, but I got through it. 
        A few weeks in, Adam and I had become somewhat friendly. He would ask me “how is it going, do you need any help?” when the other manager was a complete DOUCHE. Adam was the more professional one (which seems odd from the earlier part of the story, but I did later learn that he was dealing with a family emergency).
        One day he came and stood behind the hostess desk with me and asked about my ‘story.’ I told him a little bit of my life, and blogs purpose, and in turn he shared with me about how his mom has Kidney disease and has been on dialysis for quite awhile. A family came in, in the midst of our chat and I had to take them to their seat. It was interested because as I walked back from seating this family I noticed Adam was still there waiting to finish our talk, I thought it was sweet. 
       After that we became relatively talkative- but I never saw that going any further. I just thought he was a nice guy, and also he was my boss so I couldn’t not talk to him ha. 
       Aside from being GM, he was also in charge of all the social media stuff for the restaurant, so after browsing my resume (hmmm, wonder why he was doing that?!) he asked me if I wanted to help with the social media since I had a lot of background with that type of stuff. I said of course. 
He asked me if I wanted to “meet up and talk about the social media, maybe over dinner…on me” hm, am I over thinking this or does this guy want to take me on a date?
We did go out, and it was fun. We had a lot to talk about, and these dinner dates became more and more frequent. He kissed me, and I certainly wasn’t opposed to it. And from there our lives just mended. We always spoke. We spent all of our free time together, and we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other while at work (which was a problem, and left to me leaving… but I will leave that for another post). 

I am so happy I met this man, he brings out the best possible side of me. I am the crazy and he is the sane, we balance each other out. He motivates me, he looks at me like I am the best possible thing in existence, I have never been looked at quite the way he looks at me. It gives me chills. He calls me beautiful at least 10 times a day, and the word love is used consistently within conversation. He would jump in front a bullet for me, I have no doubts, and I would do the same for him. Our friendship blossomed into this relationship that has changed my life. I had given up men entirely, I was okay with being single, but he came into my life and just flipped everything upside down. This unconditional love he shows me on a daily basis is so pure and true is unlike anything I have ever felt before. 

He also read my blog well before our relationship- so he knew all about me story, phewwww. 

Chronicles of Sampson.

         Sampson is something else. I feel like one of those moms who says their kid is just the best, smartest, most athletic- meanwhile  everyone else is smiling along acting as if they agree, when they want to call bullshit. But I am serious when I say Sammy is the best. He isn’t the smartest- he actually is pretty dopey, but it is part of his charm. He is obsessed with people… but mostly me. Like, to the point where he can’t be without me or he will have a panic attack. Privacy while you are showering? HA, yeah right. He guards the door like someone is going to try to barge in. Going to the bathroom… I forget what it was like being alone during that time. I feel like I have a child. I sort of do. He yells at me… I mean literally its a barking/screech telling me I haven’t been as attentive to his needs. I lay on the bed… he jumps up and sits on my face. He also thinks he is a lap dog and lays on top of me, not understanding that he is going to one day be massive… like 120lbs.
        It’s kinda endearing. Today, Adam and Sampson walked me to our car so we had some more time together before we both went to work (I work from 9-5 and A works from 10-10 so are time is very limited). I arrived to the car, said my good-byes and headed to work. I heard sam barking a bit when I got in the car, but that was usually what he did whenever I left his side, so I plugged my phone in, turned the music on, and left. I pulled out of the lot and noticed Adam on the side walk with Sampson, Sampson was having a melt down. I waved to A, but he didn’t wave back. He called me later on in my drive to inform me that he had such a bad panic attack that I left, he refused to walk, was barking like a maniac, and tried chasing after cars thinking I was in them- so, Adam didn’t want to wave and attract his attention towards me or he would have went a little more crazy. 
       But can you imagine the people walking by him during his meltdown? Good lord. 
I read that German Shepherds were a one person dog, but I didn’t realize to this extent. I love him so, so much regardless of his clingyness. He is just too cute. You should follow his instagram (yes, he has an instagram) because its awesome @SampsonTheShepherd 

Here is a lil preview….