I have a tendency to hold onto things, relationships, anything with sentimental value, regardless if it is bad for me. I always have so much hope that change will come and things will get better if I give it just one more go, eventually that, ‘one more go...’ turns into ten more, and I just keep putting myself through misery because I am filled with too much hope for my own good. I am starting to realize that some things, some people, some relationships, they are never going to get better, they are toxic for my being. It’s a hard thing to grasp, at some point that very thing that played an important factor in my life and was exactly what I needed, is now hurting me more than anything else. But I needed/ need to learn that once that chapter has ended, shut the damn book.
I had a reality check recently… and my mind began racing with a million thoughts, thoughts of anger, confusion, despair… so I of course raced to my notebook to write down this jumbled mess going on in my mind. I can’t give advice as to how to handle these situations, a situation where you need to let go of a relationship (and no, this isn’t only referring to romantic relationships, this can be friendships, family etc…) that has no hope left, I wish I had a step by step guide… but I don’t. This is more of a ramble of what I need to do for myself, and maybe someone else has can find guidance with what I scribble down on this piece of paper…bare with me if this looses any form of sense at some points.
You are going to need strength… and I promise you can find that strength even in the darkest of hours. Using that strength, you need to make moves that allow you to close that chapter and move on, things like deleting that individual from your social media/your phone… anything you have to do to begin cutting ties. It’s going to hurt, its going to sting, and you are going to sit there wondering “should I? What if they come back around? What if they change….?” Stop with those thoughts, if the relationship has reached a point where it has only become a burden, you need to step away, you need to accept that its over. I can relate to that feeling all too well, that feeling of being caught between what was and all that must be, you feel lost, confused, but holding on is only deferring your happiness. So stop reaching out, stop replying, just stop… this is where your strength will shine through. I get that its scary, and far from easy, but staying involved in something because of a fear of missing out on what could be, or reminiscing on what was… is far beneath what you deserve. You deserve respect, you deserve only people who will bring out the joy in your life, and not the polar opposite on a consistent basis.
After the above has been done, and you have cut ties, the pain is going to sink in. Your mind is going to begin to race, memories, questions, they will begin to weigh you down…you will fear laying down at night because of the thoughts that will consume your mind…but you need not lose sight of why you did what you did. You must not blind yourself from the reality of the situation, allowing yourself to fall back into that emotionally draining pattern you had grown all to accustomed too. Let the mind race, there is no preventing it, but find an outlet that makes it more bare able…reach out to a friend, to a family member, write, scream… whatever you need to do to release the emotions that seem to be filling your insides at that moment, do it. Cry, cry and cry some more, its a cliche thing to say, but just do it… because if you hold it back now, it will come out later down the road, and it will be much worse. You are dealing with loosing someone who played an important role in your life, it is important for you to realize that you are not weak for feeling this way, you need to stop blaming yourself, you are only human.
Eventually the pain will lessen… I promise…eventually you will be doing something as random as the laundry, and all of a sudden you’ll think to yourself “oh wow, I went a day without thinking of them…” and it will hit you, its become easier. Everyday it will begin to get easier, and everyday you’ll realize a little more that you made the right decision.
Remember not to spew your hatred or anger towards this person, they may be toxic without even knowing it, their intentions may have been innocent the entire time, but that doesn’t mean you should look past how they make you feel. For your own peace of mind… you need to do whats best for you, and accept that their scene is over for the role they played in your life.