10 things that have changed me since losing both of my sisters.

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 7.47.56 PM
1. I’ve realized the importance of life. I learned how fragile it is and how I must take advantage of every opportunity that crosses my path.
2. I think more about my future then I ever have… “who will I confide in when I am older?” I see my mom and her sisters and how close they are, and I can’t help but think how I will never have that.
3. I appreciate time spent with my mom so much more, and her strength is truly, truly inspiring.
4. It has made me question God and heaven…I try to pray to Lindsey and Ashley… but then I think.. “can they even hear me? or am I just talking to the sky?”
5. I think about my future children… they will never meet their aunts. All they will ever hear are stories… and I know personally that those stories don’t mean nearly as much as they would if you had actually met the person. I want them to love them as I did… but they won’t.
6. I HATE ‘National sibling day’ and I hate social media on the holidays…
7. Speaking of holidays… I don’t get nearly as excited about them.
8. I also have a hard time being around siblings, whether it be friends or cousins, because I see how close they are and I know I will never have that again. And when people tell me “you are a sibling to me” I smile, but I know its not the same as your actual siblings.
9. I realized that being strong is both a blessing and a curse.
10. I have a lot less sympathy for people and situations when they are so trivial.
Advertisements

Anxiety.

        




         I haven’t posted a real, nitty gritty, personal post in awhile. Since I have just started getting back into the swing of blogging, I have kept focused on the more fun loving, ‘gushy’ posts. I don’t want to scare away any new followers with my sometimes brass, no limitations type of blog posts. 
        But, between the memorial of Ashley’s death (June 14th was the 3rd memorial…) and fathers day, as many of you are aware my dad walked out on my family…(read about it here) my anxiety has been through the roof. 
        I have been on anxiety meds before, way back when I was a senior in high school, but the ones I took changed my personality. I felt slow, like the world was in fast forward motion around me and I was stuck in slow motion. I couldn’t keep up. So I stopped taking them, and haven’t taken any medication since. 
        I know that I probably should, that I should go talk to a therapist after everything I have been through, and that the right medication would probably help- but my stubborn ass can’t seem to accept that. 
        I know I am strong, but for some reason I feel like my strength is only conveyed by my ability to say, “look, I have been through all of this and I don’t even need help..” Which is actually pretty weak. 
       So, last night was the third anxiety attack (major, I have minor ones more often) within the last week… and I have decided enough is enough, I need someones guidance. I am ready to seek help. 
       I think I always feared the ‘stigma’ surrounding mental illness. I would be branded. People would speak of me in more saddened terms… instead of “oh MacKenzie!” it would be “aw, yeah, MacKenzie,” with that look of despair. 
      Would I be a let down to those who thought I was so strong and happy through all of my hardship? What about the people who look up to me? How would they feel? But after much thought, and I am telling you I have gone over this for quite some time now, I realize all of these reasonings are for other people. “What would THEY think…” or “what would THEY say,” at the end of the day, THEY don’t have to deal with the anxiety, I do. 
      I thought I would give you a little insight on how my anxiety attacks make me feel… 
I want to jump out of my own skin. It is this terrible chill running over my body, leaving goosebumps from my head to my toes.  My mind is racing a mile minute as if it is trying to piece together something that has a timer on it, but nothing is matching up and that time is quickly running out. 
     I want to cry, and I try, but nothing comes out- I sit there with this unfortunate crying face, yet my eyes are completely dry. Then the shortness of breath hits me, I cannot for the life of my catch my breath. So, there I am uncomfortable from the chills, unable to contain my thoughts, barely able to take a deep breath. 
     Then my mind starts focusing, but it is focusing on every.single.thing I have ever done ‘wrong.’ And I mean every little thing from the way I laughed in a situation, to the things I have said. I think of all of the ways I could have changed this ‘wrong’ scenario, these scenarios consist of ones from the day before all the way back to when I was 14… “well what if I said this instead..” or “what if I didn’t open my mouth…” 
     and then my mind goes on to think of the future… but never with a positive outlook, it formulates all of these potential, horrible outcomes. Its the endless “what ifs” 
And even if you are completely exhausted, there is no chance of going to bed. 
And here are those tears that were missing for awhile. 

So to those of you who do not have anxiety, please don’t tell me “Just be happy! Just stop over thinking things..” because you have NO. IDEA.

      If you are facing anxiety as well, feel free to reach out to me. I would love to be someone you can talk to because I know it isn’t easy. It is not easy for people to understand an illness that isn’t visible or leaving you on deaths doorstep. 


Hello There!

      Alright my blogging consistency is terrible. But I have a full time job, I moved to a new place, and have also had some traumatic things occur … but all in all, I am okay with not blogging. Life is moving, and instead of apologizing to the blogging community- I am happy with where life is moving, and where I am at this moment. 
      Buttttt, regardless of the happiness I have missed this little nook I have to vent/talk/bitch (vent and bitch are two different things)… so here I am, back at it.
And where do I begin? My job is great! I love the people I work with… and have become incredibly close with some of them. My pup pup- he is 5 months now!!! Yes… that little beeb in the post below is 5 months, crazy right? Speaking of 5 months… he gets his balls chopped (gruesome, I know) next month! Which he is not excited about (he only has one ball though, ask me about that for another post), but I am! He will become less cray cray. 
      My Boyfriend… ahhh where do I begin? It is weird for me to even explain this. I remember a year ago I was sitting in my room upset about past relationships, thinking I was destined to never meet a man again, nor did I have any desire to. I even posted an entire post related to ‘WHY I AM SINGLE’. During that time I tested out dating sites- nothing ever came from it, but I didn’t care. I was okay being alone. Some people don’t meet someone that they are with for the rest of their lives and they are okay…I thought I would be okay. But then I met Adam (while I was working as a hostess.. funny story that can be told in another blog post), and things changed. I pushed him away as much as I possibly could- helloooo I am a boss, a bad ass single female who needs NO man- but yet I wanted to be around him at every single moment possible. When I had a funny story- he was the one I needed to tell, when things got difficult… I just needed him to comfort me. This relationship was different, he was kind and gentle, yet put me in my place and motivated me to work harder for what I wanted. He was supportive, a best friend, the kindest man I’ve ever known, and someone who has shown my unconditional love- a love I have never experienced aside from family members. So that is where we are. 
     I am starring at the prettiest view of Boston, and Adam is passed out so peacefully…let me tell you about that in another blog post too! I am sorry I am leaving so much blank, but seriously I don’t want to having nada to blog about and go MIA again, so I am leaving some things open ended. 
     Also, I need to make a special mention for my auntie Madeline who passed away on mothers day. She was the hardest, toughest, and at the same time, the kindest woman I have ever known- and she has a sea of people up in heaven waiting for her. I know that Ashley will be waiting with open arms. 


    Thank you everyone for sticking with me during this long hiatus- life is great aside from a few hiccups…And I will make sure to keep updating! 

Misfortunes of MacKenzie- Take 5.

        



Check out the other ‘Misfortunes’ hereherehere, and here

        You all thought I had given up my blogging, didn’t you? Tsk, Tsk… such little faith! Ha, I kid… I suck at time management. 
        But today I bring you another Misfortunes… to welcome me back into the blogging world I thought laughing at my own mishaps was an appropriate way to ask for my readers forgiveness for lack of updates.
        For starters, has anyone else noticed that it has been raining an obscene amount as of late? I have begun to expect the cloudy/rainy/miserable weather every morning as opposed to sunshine. 
       I had class one morning when it was down pouring- and I mean, the sky was pretty much falling. I know I have been known to exaggerate, but I swear this was pretty awful. I woke up and had two choices (mom, skip this part) I could not move from bed because rain… or I could conjure up the ‘courage’ and be an adult, trek through the rain and go gain so much knowledge in class (note: sarcasm). MIND YOU, Mai and I at this point had zero umbrellas… (cue complaints about my hair getting ruined, and noooo my makeupppp, it will runnnnnn). I threw both of those options out the window, I turned into a straight up die-va, I called Uber. I realized I wasn’t walking but I also COULDN’T miss this class- it was an important one. Uber showed up, I got in… he didn’t say much, just asked me to put in the destination address on the Uber app (which is a new thing because I never had to do this before..) so I did. Temple Place, Boston Ma, I didn’t pay attention to the zip code because it said Boston, Ma… I just assumed it was right (I know, I know, when you assume it makes an ass out of U and Me…) This ride should be, AT MOST, 5 minutes.
      There I am just sitting in the back seat as the rain pours down harshly against the windshield, trying hard to keep warm in my massive michelin man jacket. I look up and  realize we are now on the highway (remember, this class is literally five minutes from my APT). My class starts at 10.. it was about 9:45. I speak up, “wait, I am confused why are we on the highway?” to which he replies, “well aren’t you going to Roslindale?HUH? I don’t even know where that place is?! And the app definitely said ‘BOSTON, MA‘.. so I said just that, to which he responded, “but the zip code is for Roslindale…” I didn’t understand this because why would it say Boston, Ma as the city- regardless, we were going the wrong way and I was gonna be LATE… and what happens next was the icing on the cake. Oh you know, the sun shines brighter than it had in months. Rainbows and shit flying in the sky. I am now melting in my michelin jacket… stuck in traffic in my pretentious Uber ride to get to my five minute class because God Forbid I walk in rain.. (KARMA!!)  My anxiety is THROUGH the roof as I watch the clock. It was now 953, I am getting annoyed, asking him if there is anyway we can go around this traffic to get back into the city. I told him I needed to get to the state house (I tried giving him the address but he was all “can you direct me.” DUDE I  could get lost in a paper bag). He told me he knew how to get to the state house (wrong… and this is why I have major trust issues, thanks Uber!) We got lost for another 10 minutes, he is blaming me for telling him the wrong directions (if I am not mistaken sir, this is YOUR JOB.. now I am curious what the requirements are in order to become an Uber driver…). 
       We get close enough, I finally just tell him to stop… I get out and run to class. I am so against running in any scenario.. you are about to miss a bus? miss it. You forgot something in the car that is now driving away… get it later.. but I think all the adrenaline in me just made my legs go (and it was a half ass run, so don’t laugh too much). I was 30 minutes late… the classroom door was locked, I had to bang on it for them to open….. yikes, embarrassing. As I finally take my seat, I get the Uber alert regarding my bill….22 DOLLARS…TWENTY TWO DOLLARS…………k. 


Why do I blog? And the Daunting Birthday.

    




       With Ashley’s birthday coming up in October, it got me to thinking about why I started this blog in the first place. I sometimes feel like the purpose has sort of been lost in translation, between all the pointless rambles and current favorites, so I wanted to take this opportunity to dive back into those overwhelming emotions I was feeling back in the Summer of 2012… the emotions that pushed me to start this blogging journey. 
      On June 14th 2012 I witnessed one of the most terribly chilling moments of my life, my sister taking her last breath. I can’t form words that can appropriately depict the rush of emotions that burned through my body. I was 22 years old, starring down at Ashley’s lifeless, stiff body, as the doctors told us “there is nothing more we can do…“- was this a feeling of sadness? anger? For the first time in my life I was introduced to this new feeling, a feeling of complete hopelessness. 
      I walked out of her hospital room, unable to continue looking at this unfamiliar body laying in the hospital bed in front of me. I mindlessly began walking down the the sterile, emotionless hallways of Cleveland Clinic, each fluorescent light seemed to flicker along with my constantly changing thoughts. Thoughts about what I would do next. About other people who have dealt with situations like this, situations where, at such a young age, they had dealt with so much hardship… but all these situations I was thinking about, ended the same… these people all fell into drugs or alcohol, or shut themselves off from the world. I had just watched my sister die, would I be another person to add to that list of, “oh her? yeah she went downhill after that tragedy, she just couldn’t handle the pain.” Would I fall into that dark hole? I began to just accept that fate, I mean, how will I continue my journey of life knowing there will always be a huge chunk of me missing? 
      I wish I could give my readers a better understanding of how I was feeling during this time. I have always enjoyed writing and being able to bring my words to life, allowing the readers to feel as if they are experiencing exactly what I am writing about… but I have nothing for this situation, no elaborate explanations, no big, extravagant words… all I can seem to conjure up is that it sucked, and absolutely no one should have to experience that type of pain. 
       I somehow ended up back by her room, standing at a halt by the door way. All the limp bodies, crying inside her room were a blur to me, my vision was tunneled towards my sister’s body, and it was the only clear thing that met my eyes. At that moment, I knew I had to keep fighting, I knew I had to stay as strong as possible. I can’t tell you what changed my thoughts, or how I was able to come to that conclusion- I like to think it was Ashley helping me along, transitioning over the strength she held onto for so long, to me. I stopped looking at Ashley, that wasn’t her anymore, and walked into the room, over to my mother. I picked her up from the chair she was hunched over in, and wrapped my arms around her as tightly as possible… I became the rock for my family that day. I knew we couldn’t fall apart. 
     So I started this blog to explain my story, and to help teach people, through my own hardships, that things can get better. Your days won’t always be filled with darkness, and you will eventually find a reason to smile again. There are days that are still a struggle for me, but I have grown to understand that, that is only one day- it won’t be like that forever. 
      Feel free to reach out to me at any point if you are dealing with something difficult- no hardship is too small, I am always here to listen. If you would like to read more about my story check out the about me here.

Let go.

        





       I have a tendency to hold onto things, relationships, anything with sentimental value, regardless if it is bad for me. I always have so much hope that change will come and things will get better if I give it just one more go, eventually that, ‘one more go...’ turns into ten more, and I just keep putting myself through misery because I am filled with too much hope for my own good. I am starting to realize that some things, some people, some relationships, they are never going to get better, they are toxic for my being. It’s a hard thing to grasp, at some point that very thing that played an important factor in my life and was exactly what I needed, is now hurting me more than anything else. But I needed/ need to learn that once that chapter has ended, shut the damn book
      I had a reality check recently… and my mind began racing with a million thoughts, thoughts of anger, confusion, despair… so I of course raced to my notebook to write down this jumbled mess going on in my mind. I can’t give advice as to how to handle these situations, a situation where you need to let go of a relationship (and no, this isn’t only referring to romantic relationships, this can be friendships, family etc…) that has no hope left, I wish I had a step by step guide… but I don’t. This is more of a ramble of what I need to do for myself, and maybe someone else has can find guidance with what I scribble down on this piece of paper…bare with me if this looses any form of sense at some points.
      You are going to need strength… and I promise you can find that strength even in the darkest of hours. Using that strength, you need to make moves that allow you to close that chapter and move on, things like deleting that individual from your social media/your phone… anything you have to do to begin cutting ties. It’s going to hurt, its going to sting, and you are going to sit there wondering “should I? What if they come back around? What if they change….?Stop with those thoughts, if the relationship has reached a point where it has only become a burden, you need to step away, you need to accept that its over. I can relate to that feeling all too well, that feeling of being caught between what was and all that must be, you feel lost, confused, but holding on is only deferring your happiness. So stop reaching out, stop replying, just stop… this is where your strength will shine through. I get that its scary, and far from easy, but staying involved in something because of a fear of missing out on what could be, or reminiscing on what was… is far beneath what you deserve. You deserve respect, you deserve only people who will bring out the joy in your life, and not the polar opposite on a consistent basis.
       After the above has been done, and you have cut ties, the pain is going to sink in. Your mind is going to begin to race, memories, questions, they will begin to weigh you down…you will fear laying down at night because of the thoughts that will consume your mind…but you need not lose sight of why you did what you did. You must not blind yourself from the reality of the situation, allowing yourself to fall back into that emotionally draining pattern you had grown all to accustomed too. Let the mind race, there is no preventing it, but find an outlet that makes it more bare able…reach out to a friend, to a family member, write, scream… whatever you need to do to release the emotions that seem to be filling your insides at that moment, do it. Cry, cry and cry some more, its a cliche thing to say, but just do it… because if you hold it back now, it will come out later down the road, and it will be much worse. You are dealing with loosing someone who played an important role in your life, it is important for you to realize that you are not weak for feeling this way, you need to stop blaming yourself, you are only human.
      Eventually the pain will lessen… I promise…eventually you will be doing something as random as the laundry, and all of a sudden you’ll think to yourself “oh wow, I went a day without thinking of them…” and it will hit you, its become easier. Everyday it will begin to get easier, and everyday you’ll realize a little more that you made the right decision.
      Remember not to spew your hatred or anger towards this person, they may be toxic without even knowing it, their intentions may have been innocent the entire time, but that doesn’t mean you should look past how they make you feel. For your own peace of mind… you need to do whats best for you, and accept that their scene is over for the role they played in your life.

My thoughts.


This is a rambling post on my own thoughts and opinions in regards to mental illness…


        I don’t want to use this post to sit here and rave about how talented Robin Williams was, I don’t want to sit here and act like he was my favorite actor in the world, and I certainly don’t want to sit here talking up a storm like I knew him personally- because none of that would be true. I know that if someone I loved had committed suicide, it would frustrate me to no end to see so many people care for the moment. I don’t mean to be harsh, of course everyone deals with traumatic events their own ways- totally understandable, what I mean when I say it would frustrate me is that I know this sense of caring will disappear within a week or two…the word depression and mental illness will again, be swept under the rug, and only the talks of Robin Williams humor and talent will be spoken about (which these are things that he should be remembered for but…) his suicide also needs to be used as a wake up call… mental illness is real. Mental illness is no more controllable than a physical illness, like Cystic Fibrosis, if you don’t get help for it. 
        Had Robin threatened suicide before, or if any person for that matter threatened suicide publicly, most people would coin them as wanting attention. Or, in Robins instance, if he had come out to state his thoughts in more depth, society would have slapped a label of shame onto him, doubting his career… “how sad, he was so funny…” Because apparently his mental disease would take away from all the amazing things he has done and was capable of doing? Don’t get me wrong, before I understood the severity of mental illness- I too coined threats like that as attention craving. I get it, you look at a celebrity like Robin Williams, someone you think has it all, and you assume their life is perfect. You assume that they have the money, the friends, hell his own WIKI page crashed the night of his death because so many people were in utter shock, twitter feeds blowing up with tweets of condolences… yet he still felt alone, all of these things didn’t change his mental state. That is like seeing someone with Cystic Fibrosis have all the money and friends in the world, and then expecting them to be cured because, well.. they have it all, right? No, that sounds absolutely absurd MacKenzie, but then why do we expect that with a disease of the mind? This disease isn’t a choice, and if seeing all the people who loved him, and seeing all the money and talent he had, doesn’t prove that to you- then our world needs to do a whole lot better at educating its people. No one would choose to feel so trapped and dark, that they think the only option is to end their own life. 
       don’t post about how sad Robin William’s death makes you and then turn around and call suicide a cowardly act. Instead,realize how dark and low someone can get if they even contemplate taking their own life. Reach out to a friend or a family member if you feel they have a problem… Don’t pass judgement, and don’t only show you care once it reaches a point of no return. You can help. I can help. Ive seen mental illness first hand, I use to pass judgement and found it hard to understand, I just wanted whoever it was to ‘get over it and fix themselves,‘ but I’ve worked on educating myself… and everyone needs to do the same.  Every 40 seconds, someone tries to kill themselvesEvery 18 minutes, one of them SUCCEEDS.
      If you are someone reading this feeling alone and trapped, reach out for help. Talk to a friend, family member, call a hotline.. or send me a message. I am here to listen. Things can get better, you can be helped.