Tuesday Confessions

So, during my blog stalking I noticed a blog post that many bloggers participate in on a weekly basis- this blog post is usually called (day of the week) confessions. So, since I am posting it on a Tuesday it would be called ‘Tuesday Confessions...’ which sounds like a porn title or something….. but don’t you worry, it is not. I feel like most people do it on Friday and they sort of just say things they did that week and put the saying ‘I confess’ before it. But I don’t really follow the rules of what most bloggers do. Lets get to it.

I confess… I am currently watching Elf. This is awful because November 10th. What has even gotten into me? I’ve never been one to obsess over Christmas.

I confess… I actually put the Christmas tree up in our apartment… again… NOVEMBER 11th. treeI confess… It was my moms birthday yesterday and we celebrated that night. She was really, really enjoying her time. There is just something so wonderful to see her truly happy even if its for a moment.

bdYI confess… when I was feeling really down recently… I was sulking, crying and just inconsolable at one point… and during the whole melt down I scrolled past this on Instagram and it couldn’t have been a better sign from my sisters.Screen Shot 2015-11-03 at 8.02.41 PM

I confess… I received a really awesome e-mail the other day and it was just what I needed.

I confess…I have been hanging with Adam as he closes the restaurant, and that is around 2AM every night… so that means every night I have been eating tacos and other food you probably shouldn’t be eating at 2AM.

I confess… My weight and eating have been weighing heavy on me again, I never want to fall back into my eating disorder habits again so I need to nip this in the bud ASAP.

Those are my current confessions. I think this is a fun way to keep people updated on some things going on in this crazy-all over the place- mind of mine, so I will keep these coming.

10 things that have changed me since losing both of my sisters.

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 7.47.56 PM
1. I’ve realized the importance of life. I learned how fragile it is and how I must take advantage of every opportunity that crosses my path.
2. I think more about my future then I ever have… “who will I confide in when I am older?” I see my mom and her sisters and how close they are, and I can’t help but think how I will never have that.
3. I appreciate time spent with my mom so much more, and her strength is truly, truly inspiring.
4. It has made me question God and heaven…I try to pray to Lindsey and Ashley… but then I think.. “can they even hear me? or am I just talking to the sky?”
5. I think about my future children… they will never meet their aunts. All they will ever hear are stories… and I know personally that those stories don’t mean nearly as much as they would if you had actually met the person. I want them to love them as I did… but they won’t.
6. I HATE ‘National sibling day’ and I hate social media on the holidays…
7. Speaking of holidays… I don’t get nearly as excited about them.
8. I also have a hard time being around siblings, whether it be friends or cousins, because I see how close they are and I know I will never have that again. And when people tell me “you are a sibling to me” I smile, but I know its not the same as your actual siblings.
9. I realized that being strong is both a blessing and a curse.
10. I have a lot less sympathy for people and situations when they are so trivial.

Being more personal?

Is it Thursday?? I don’t know…my days have pretty much been running one into the other. I took time off work after Lindsey’s passing… losing two sisters within the last 3 years called for time off (it also helped that the company I was working for was bought out so everyone that worked there is now job-less.. I got that text at 1030 at night after Lindsey passed…#life). With this time I have learned that I really love cleaning LOL. I am obsessed with keeping my apartment spotless, and Adam gets annoyed that I vacuum every day because Sampson acts like the vacuum is literally a monster from hell- anyone’s dog do this? HAVE I BECOME DOMESTICATED??

I wanted to take this time to Blog more and I feel like I haven’t done that at all. I really just blank whenever I log into my account. What do I even say at this point? I feel like a black cloud is constantly following over me in life. The saying ‘when it rains it pours’ is like x10 for me. But I got a few nasty comments on my blog (people if you want to come off anonymous and talk to me, please do…) I was going to just take a break all together. But then I read an old post ‘the man behind the blog,’ where Adam had made a comment “I wish you would be more personal…” and it really hit me, I hate reading blogs that seem so fake, you know the ones– This is my really cute life… this is my really cute outfit…this is what I did this weekend…it was perfect….. blah blah blah. So, I have decided I am going to be more candid with you guys. All the nitty gritty.

So what else is happening in my life right now? We are saying good-bye to my child hood home. I will tell you the reason for why we are getting rid of it in another post- but for now I will just use this post to tell you how much it sucks. I understand it is something that needs to happen for my moms sake.. I mean, you walk down the hall way and you see two rooms where my sisters use to stay. The rooms are still set up the exact same way as if they never left. It is like you have to hold your breath every time you walk by them. And because I now live on my own, my poor mother was living there on her own. It is just unbearable. So she has moved to a new place, one that is a good size for just her (our old house was about 5,500 square feet- insane for one person).

So this weekend we are doing a huge, open house (selling everything inside) sale. It is an everything must go type of thing. My mother doesn’t want to really be there when it all goes down because she doesn’t want to see all of her things things being sold- which makes sense, so I have recruited all of my awesome cousins and Adam to help me out! Thanks guys, you da best!

Well that is it for now… I am going to get back to my scary movie watching.

Sisterless.

                                            12143147_3269340092336_5048263394499870056_n

My last post was on September 13th… Lindsey died on the 14th. I have been avoiding this post for awhile now- simply because I still think I am in a dream, or rather, a nightmare.

Before I dive into that terrible day, I want to talk about how both of my sisters were born with Cystic Fibrosis. I lost Ashley on June 14th, 2012.

I took two sleeping pills on September 13th.. I was exhausted, but for some reason I could not fall asleep. TWO pills and I was still rolling back and fourth. Adam kept waking up (slightly annoyed) to ask if I was okay. I told him “I can’t sleep… my body is on fire.” He touched my back, “holy sh*t Mack…” he then touched my head to see if I had a fever, “you don’t have a fever, but your body is literally burning.” I can’t even begin to explain this feeling to you, it was like a burning sensation coursing through my veins. It was miserable. I continued to roll around the bed uncomfortably… jealous of Adam as he slept soundly.

My phone began to go off… I assumed it was my alarm, and that I had just stayed up all night and it was now 7AM. I sat up and grabbed my phone… Adam had woke up in the meantime, “uhh why is my mom calling me at 630AM?” I asked him with a look of confusion. I pondered for a second to think if I had done anything to really tick her off…

“Hello?” I heard her whimper through the phone…without hesitation, “the hospital called, Lindsey is un.. unresponsive.” I was confused. Let me preface for a second, Lindsey was in the hospital for a common problem- pneumonia. She has gotten this many times, and aside from that, her health was fine.

As awful as this sounds, I sort of thought my mom was being dramatic. She tended to make the worst out of everything… and she has every reason to, but I am usually the more ‘level headed’ one of the two of us. But regardless, I texted work and told them I wouldn’t be in. I got dressed, gathered my things, woke Adam up, and we headed to Lawrence General… Which is where she went because Mass General gave her the “we think you are fine… so um, just go to your closest hospital.” The truth- they didn’t want to deal with Lindsey…and shame on them.

As I drove to the hospital, I called my moms phones… “hello” came a voice from the other end, “why didn’t you return my text!!” I spewed out… “MacKenzie, this is your Auntie Debbie..”… “Oh sorry, I am on my way, how is everything going?”  There was then a moment of silence, followed with a, “you just need to get in here.” Right then, I knew something was serious- my Auntie Debbie wouldn’t have said something like that had it not been something really bad.

The drive to the hospital was excruciating.Was this happening all over again? It just didn’t seem real.

I got the floor that Lindsey was on, as I walked down the hallway I saw my uncle standing outside of a waiting room area… he looked at me, and then walked back into the waiting room. I could feel that the vibe was off… something was wrong. As I got closer, my Auntie Debbie walked out with a look of sympathy on her face, she shook her head, “I am sorry….” Everything just stopped in that moment. “No…” I screamed with tears dripping off my chin. “This is not happening again!” I turned around and walked away.

I asked the doctors, the nurses, anyone that walked by, what the hell happened… every response I got was, “honestly, we don’t know… she was fine last night, cleaning her hospital room, watching TV… she just didn’t wake up.”

There are no answers as to why she died, or what happened. At the end of the day, will answers make it better? Will it change the fact that by 25 years old I have buried two of my sisters?

I will remain strong, I really, really will. I just need sometime to decompress.

Keyword Search.


So, I have seen a few bloggers make posts about the keywords people use to find their blog! You can check it out by looking at your Google Analytics, then clicking traffic sources…when you scroll down to the bottom it should have a list of the key words people put into Google to find your blog. 
When I was reading these bloggers posts, I noticed that a lot of the keywords used were understandable, relating to that particular blogs purpose… but then there were the select few that were WEIRD… which of course made it funny to read! I had to check mine after reading some of them… and lets just say, I died… not literally of course, but some of the keywords used to find my blog ARE SO WEIRD… So weird that I feel like I need to put a PG 13 disclaimer on this post alone. Ha. I let the key words accumulate over a few weeks… and then picked some of the typical ones… all the way to the most bizarre. 

Lets start with some of the more understandable searches- 
MacKenzie Dias Blog…no surprises there…. this was one of the top used keywords people use to search for my blog. 

then, 
TMI TAG… which makes sense, since I just did that video tag on my blog.

then there was,
Easy Random Questions… ha… well then, I GUESS my blog is a good source to find some really easy and random questions… glad I have a purpose. 

this next one is quite interesting… 
How We Be Strong Easy…. right… I am not going to touch the wording… and I guess I DO have all the answers when it comes to finding a quick and easy way to be strong. 😉 

and then,
Crazy Girlfriend Memes…Which again somewhat makes sense… except the whole point of that blog post was to explain how girls are NOT crazy… maybe I should have considered changing the name of the post? My bad. 

OKAY… then there is this one..
First Time In Sex Girls Get Breathe…? Then What Do? … I WISH I was making this up, WHAT THE HELL? First of all, what are you even asking? Hopefully whoever you are sleeping with is breathing, because if not… well to answer your “Then What Do?”… you call the cops. Second of all, HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO MY BLOG? Just because this person used the word BREATHE? Ha! I was actually dying laughing when I read this/ while simultaneously feeling creeped out. 


and um, then… 
Stop breathing… okay, I feel like my blog is being used for the wrong purposes!! AH! 

and here is a screen shot of that really weird key word, just so you guys see that it is sadly… real.


So yeah, I think I need to start checking those keywords more often… do any of you have interesting/or weird ones? Let me know so I don’t feel alone