Being more personal?

Is it Thursday?? I don’t know…my days have pretty much been running one into the other. I took time off work after Lindsey’s passing… losing two sisters within the last 3 years called for time off (it also helped that the company I was working for was bought out so everyone that worked there is now job-less.. I got that text at 1030 at night after Lindsey passed…#life). With this time I have learned that I really love cleaning LOL. I am obsessed with keeping my apartment spotless, and Adam gets annoyed that I vacuum every day because Sampson acts like the vacuum is literally a monster from hell- anyone’s dog do this? HAVE I BECOME DOMESTICATED??

I wanted to take this time to Blog more and I feel like I haven’t done that at all. I really just blank whenever I log into my account. What do I even say at this point? I feel like a black cloud is constantly following over me in life. The saying ‘when it rains it pours’ is like x10 for me. But I got a few nasty comments on my blog (people if you want to come off anonymous and talk to me, please do…) I was going to just take a break all together. But then I read an old post ‘the man behind the blog,’ where Adam had made a comment “I wish you would be more personal…” and it really hit me, I hate reading blogs that seem so fake, you know the ones– This is my really cute life… this is my really cute outfit…this is what I did this weekend…it was perfect….. blah blah blah. So, I have decided I am going to be more candid with you guys. All the nitty gritty.

So what else is happening in my life right now? We are saying good-bye to my child hood home. I will tell you the reason for why we are getting rid of it in another post- but for now I will just use this post to tell you how much it sucks. I understand it is something that needs to happen for my moms sake.. I mean, you walk down the hall way and you see two rooms where my sisters use to stay. The rooms are still set up the exact same way as if they never left. It is like you have to hold your breath every time you walk by them. And because I now live on my own, my poor mother was living there on her own. It is just unbearable. So she has moved to a new place, one that is a good size for just her (our old house was about 5,500 square feet- insane for one person).

So this weekend we are doing a huge, open house (selling everything inside) sale. It is an everything must go type of thing. My mother doesn’t want to really be there when it all goes down because she doesn’t want to see all of her things things being sold- which makes sense, so I have recruited all of my awesome cousins and Adam to help me out! Thanks guys, you da best!

Well that is it for now… I am going to get back to my scary movie watching.


Celebrate life.

          Hellllllooooo there blogging world! I need to extend the biggest apology for my lack of updates! Let me start my blog listing my excuses as to why I have been so lame with posting (because thats how every blog should start, right?) Okay… I got a cold, like a terrible… I can’t breathe, hacking up a lung, type of cold. WORK. I don’t talk to much about my jobs/ but I have been incredibly busy… and I am partially lazy, so any down time I get, I take advantage of my sleep. OKAY.. get it over with: do I want some cheese with that wine? Call the waaaambulance. I just needed to get it all off my chest. 

        But the biggest reason for the delay, and I think a justifiable one, was Ashley’s birthday on Oct 2nd. No matter how positive I remained, it still put me in a sort of disconnect with the world. I found myself just wanting to shut my door and be by myself, allowing the world outside to rush on by, as if the four walls around me diminished time as a whole. I think it was the whole time aspect that hit me hardest. How much time has passed since her death. It is a scary thought. 

     So to avoid being a total buzz kill- I thought I would throw Ashley a birthday party. She would never want me to feel this way on her birthday… I updated a Facebook status that sort of explains my thoughts on this celebration: 

I went to bed last night dreading the mere thought of Oct 2nd, wishing I could sleep through it and just wake up on the 3rd. It is crazy how one date can have such a large impact on you… Oct 2nd is Ashley Dias birthday, a date we use to celebrate, a date we use to plan for months in advance, and now its a date that makes me cringe, makes me cry, and takes me a month in advance just to conjure up the courage to even look at on a calendar. But I woke up today and didn’t feel the usual burden, the dread I had felt last night seemed to have disappeared. Instead, I felt happy? I was confused with myself, and then the anger hit me, how could I feel happy on this day? Was I bad person for feeling so? I glanced over to my bed side table and spotted the picture of Ashley that I keep close by, my lips already forming the word “sorry,” as if she was alive in the picture, would see me say sorry and forgive me for not crying my eyes out. But my lips let go of the formation as soon as my eyes focused on the picture, sorry never came out of my mouth, and an unusual sense of calmness immediately took over my body. Its as if she answered the questions running through my mind… the last thing Ashley would ever want is for us to avoid this date, this occasion that celebrated the life she lived. She would want us to do just that, celebrate it. Celebrate all the memories she left behind, eat an abundance of sweets, all the while sharing stories of her many mishaps, and filling the room with boisterous laughs. So that is what I will do. I want to wish my sister the happiest of birthdays, and I want to do so by celebrating this day as if she was celebrating with me. I also want to thank everyone who has followed my journey since I started this blog, without your support I would not be as strong as I am right now, I would never have been able to donate my own kidney to Lindsey. So again, thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

     The party consisted of close family and friends, lots of junk food, sweets, and WINE (la duhhhh). We laughed, shared stories, and did everything Ashley would have wanted us to do. I am so thankful for all of the people who attended, its amazing that no matter how much time passes- there will always be people who care, and that is a really calming thing for me. So here are some pictures of the event-

Happy Birthday Angel. 

Her Journey

I have had this little camera tucked away in the corner of my room, collecting dust. It would haunt me every time my eyes roamed the room and spotted it. How could such a little device make such an impact on me? Well, this device is full of deep, and uncharted territory. This was the camera my older sister, Ashley, used to document her journey while waiting to receive her second life saving double lung transplant. It documented all of her experiences, her struggles, sadness, and unfortunately, the end of her beautiful life. She documented each moment… the worst, the sad, and the horrifying. She so desperately wanted to share all of these photos with all who followed her journey, and was prepared to do so once she received her new lungs. The only problem, she never got those lungs. I finally opened up that little camera after I could feel it daunting me every time I entered my bedroom… and here I am, doing what she wanted all along, sharing it with the world. This is easily the most emotional post I have ever made, but I think its important to show you, not only because it is what she wanted… not only because it will express how brave she was, or how hard she fought, but also express the true importance of life- and how no one should ever take, even a breath, for granted. 

We start at her evaluation at Cleveland Clinic, before she was even accepted as a transplant patient:

(Still had that HUGE appetite)


Back home after the EVAL…needed dental clearance before being accepted into Cleveland (make sure no infections) My moms friend Art is a dentist and was willing to do a full days worth of tests to get it sent in right away!

The BIG BENEFIT put on to raise money for this entire journey.

The family having a good-bye party when she was accepted as a patient at the Cleveland Clinic

The family sending her off on her ANGEL AIR flight to Cleveland

Cleveland Clinic

Her first crash in Cleveland, causing her to be on a ventilator since the oxygen machine was no longer doing the job

The aunts first visit after her crash

She was still sedated and put on a paralytic (basically in an induced coma)

She finally was woken up to find out she was now on a ventilator… but that didn’t stop her from taking funny pictures of my auntie Debbie sleeping

Skyping me on her vent (I was at school in Auburn)

Still wanted to rock these wonderful heels

She began swelling

Making strides

Decked her room out in Boston pride

On a new device

A video clip of her on the device

First patient to ever walk on a ventilator 

The sign she wrote for her NPR interview, right before she crashed again

When the family was told to come to Cleveland immediately as she had crashed, and was in an induced coma, and on a paralytic

And then some amazing people came to spend time with me in Cleveland during this difficult period

The nurses grouped together and bought Ashley this for after she got her lung transplant (we still had some hope)

More family visiting, still hadn’t come out of this crash… we started realizing this was the end

Unfortunately this was the end of Ashley’s journey… my older sister passed away on June 14th 2012… those lungs she fought so hard for, never came.