Being more personal?

Is it Thursday?? I don’t know…my days have pretty much been running one into the other. I took time off work after Lindsey’s passing… losing two sisters within the last 3 years called for time off (it also helped that the company I was working for was bought out so everyone that worked there is now job-less.. I got that text at 1030 at night after Lindsey passed…#life). With this time I have learned that I really love cleaning LOL. I am obsessed with keeping my apartment spotless, and Adam gets annoyed that I vacuum every day because Sampson acts like the vacuum is literally a monster from hell- anyone’s dog do this? HAVE I BECOME DOMESTICATED??

I wanted to take this time to Blog more and I feel like I haven’t done that at all. I really just blank whenever I log into my account. What do I even say at this point? I feel like a black cloud is constantly following over me in life. The saying ‘when it rains it pours’ is like x10 for me. But I got a few nasty comments on my blog (people if you want to come off anonymous and talk to me, please do…) I was going to just take a break all together. But then I read an old post ‘the man behind the blog,’ where Adam had made a comment “I wish you would be more personal…” and it really hit me, I hate reading blogs that seem so fake, you know the ones– This is my really cute life… this is my really cute outfit…this is what I did this weekend…it was perfect….. blah blah blah. So, I have decided I am going to be more candid with you guys. All the nitty gritty.

So what else is happening in my life right now? We are saying good-bye to my child hood home. I will tell you the reason for why we are getting rid of it in another post- but for now I will just use this post to tell you how much it sucks. I understand it is something that needs to happen for my moms sake.. I mean, you walk down the hall way and you see two rooms where my sisters use to stay. The rooms are still set up the exact same way as if they never left. It is like you have to hold your breath every time you walk by them. And because I now live on my own, my poor mother was living there on her own. It is just unbearable. So she has moved to a new place, one that is a good size for just her (our old house was about 5,500 square feet- insane for one person).

So this weekend we are doing a huge, open house (selling everything inside) sale. It is an everything must go type of thing. My mother doesn’t want to really be there when it all goes down because she doesn’t want to see all of her things things being sold- which makes sense, so I have recruited all of my awesome cousins and Adam to help me out! Thanks guys, you da best!

Well that is it for now… I am going to get back to my scary movie watching.

The new apartment.

UGH! I just wrote this entire post, pictures included….. and something happened, I am not sure exactly what happened, but the whole thing was gone. So lets try this again!

I have been asked a few times to post pictures of my new apartment, so here it is. I moved to the new Ink Block apartments in the South End. We live above the new Whole Foods- there is literally an elevator straight to the doors of WF- safe to say I am going broke.

Anyway, this post is going to have way more pictures than writing (I am sure you are all excited about that…)

When you walk into our apartment you see a rolling bar that has alcohol on it (duh) and some of me and Adams little memories and ‘treasures’

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Then you look straight and see our living area (if you call it that in such a small place)… where Sammy hangs! This is really his apartment and we just live in it.

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There is a floor to ceiling window which I love. At night the skyline area is pretty, and it is right near the harbor so whenever there is a fireworks show- we get a home viewing!

Screen Shot 2015-10-12 at 9.55.06 PMThen to my favorite area (no, not because I cook.. I don’t know how to cook, I just think its purrtttty) the kitchen!

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If you couldn’t tell, I got into the fall spirit a bit.

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Here is our bedroom- it still needs some work… and we have a decent sized walk in closet to the left, but it is so messy I am too embarrassed to show you.. so for now this what you guys get-

Screen Shot 2015-10-12 at 9.57.13 PMWe also have a floor to ceiling window in the bedroom… you can kinda see Sampson’s bed, he likes the view 🙂

Screen Shot 2015-10-12 at 9.56.11 PMAnother one of my favorite features!!!

blog8And though our apartment is pretty small, our bathroom is a really nice size! And lol at the toilet paper…

blog3blog4So that is pretty much it for now, once I clean up the closet, and fix up the bedroom, I will update you. And bare with me on these updates- I am new to wordpress and really don’t get it just yet!

Sisterless.

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My last post was on September 13th… Lindsey died on the 14th. I have been avoiding this post for awhile now- simply because I still think I am in a dream, or rather, a nightmare.

Before I dive into that terrible day, I want to talk about how both of my sisters were born with Cystic Fibrosis. I lost Ashley on June 14th, 2012.

I took two sleeping pills on September 13th.. I was exhausted, but for some reason I could not fall asleep. TWO pills and I was still rolling back and fourth. Adam kept waking up (slightly annoyed) to ask if I was okay. I told him “I can’t sleep… my body is on fire.” He touched my back, “holy sh*t Mack…” he then touched my head to see if I had a fever, “you don’t have a fever, but your body is literally burning.” I can’t even begin to explain this feeling to you, it was like a burning sensation coursing through my veins. It was miserable. I continued to roll around the bed uncomfortably… jealous of Adam as he slept soundly.

My phone began to go off… I assumed it was my alarm, and that I had just stayed up all night and it was now 7AM. I sat up and grabbed my phone… Adam had woke up in the meantime, “uhh why is my mom calling me at 630AM?” I asked him with a look of confusion. I pondered for a second to think if I had done anything to really tick her off…

“Hello?” I heard her whimper through the phone…without hesitation, “the hospital called, Lindsey is un.. unresponsive.” I was confused. Let me preface for a second, Lindsey was in the hospital for a common problem- pneumonia. She has gotten this many times, and aside from that, her health was fine.

As awful as this sounds, I sort of thought my mom was being dramatic. She tended to make the worst out of everything… and she has every reason to, but I am usually the more ‘level headed’ one of the two of us. But regardless, I texted work and told them I wouldn’t be in. I got dressed, gathered my things, woke Adam up, and we headed to Lawrence General… Which is where she went because Mass General gave her the “we think you are fine… so um, just go to your closest hospital.” The truth- they didn’t want to deal with Lindsey…and shame on them.

As I drove to the hospital, I called my moms phones… “hello” came a voice from the other end, “why didn’t you return my text!!” I spewed out… “MacKenzie, this is your Auntie Debbie..”… “Oh sorry, I am on my way, how is everything going?”  There was then a moment of silence, followed with a, “you just need to get in here.” Right then, I knew something was serious- my Auntie Debbie wouldn’t have said something like that had it not been something really bad.

The drive to the hospital was excruciating.Was this happening all over again? It just didn’t seem real.

I got the floor that Lindsey was on, as I walked down the hallway I saw my uncle standing outside of a waiting room area… he looked at me, and then walked back into the waiting room. I could feel that the vibe was off… something was wrong. As I got closer, my Auntie Debbie walked out with a look of sympathy on her face, she shook her head, “I am sorry….” Everything just stopped in that moment. “No…” I screamed with tears dripping off my chin. “This is not happening again!” I turned around and walked away.

I asked the doctors, the nurses, anyone that walked by, what the hell happened… every response I got was, “honestly, we don’t know… she was fine last night, cleaning her hospital room, watching TV… she just didn’t wake up.”

There are no answers as to why she died, or what happened. At the end of the day, will answers make it better? Will it change the fact that by 25 years old I have buried two of my sisters?

I will remain strong, I really, really will. I just need sometime to decompress.